At the emergency room waiting on a psych evaluation. On suicide watch.
My only niece graduated from college yesterday, and I wasn’t there to see it.
No one bothered to invite or even tell me that she was graduating. I found out when my brother posted pictures on Facebook.
I live 72 miles away from my mother, yet I was excluded. I don’t know which hurts more, the thought that I was purposely left out, or the thought that they didn’t even think of me. I don’t have the words to describe how bad I feel right now.
Two years ago this week I was in the exact same position. In imminent danger of losing my shelter, no money, no food, nowhere to go, and considering suicide.
Still staying at the homeless shelter but I am being told that I cannot stay beyond Monday May 16. I’ve been here for 60 days and they have only received payment for the first 30 days from social services. I’m trying to get into supportive housing, but have no idea how long that will take. At this point I have no idea what I am going to do. I have no money and nowhere to go. To say I am stressed is an understatement.
When I was a child my mother had a rule that I must eat what was put in front of me for dinner or sit at the table until bedtime. More often than not I would sit at the table until bedtime. She thought that this punishment would get me to try new things and would get me to follow the rules. Instead she taught me something far more valuable:
Never, ever back down from something I truly believe in.
I had 52 days clean and I fucked up again. I had a very bad night, one of the residents had a psychotic break and threatened to kill me. Then later in the night after she was taken away by the police her boyfriend showed up and tried to kick the door in. This morning I had a couple of shots of vodka.
Back to square one yet again.
The fog overtakes my brain. I don’t know where the voices and visions end and reality begins. The clock on the wall ticks the time away like thunder.
I can’t do this anymore.
Something has to change. Is it time for the hospital again? Is it time to say goodbye? Is there a place high enough that I can fly into the air, weightless, like a butterfly and finally be free of it all?