The pain is overwhelming

I don’t know what to do.

 

I am in so much pain, both physical and emotional. Two days ago I ran into my ex. We didn’t speak, only glared at each other and continued walking. In the two days since then there has been a flurry of text messages. Him saying “It killed me to make you leave” and “I wanted to take care of you but am not equipped for it” and even “I’m not the bad guy here, there is no bad guy”. He has proposed sitting down and talking with a mediator present. Here is someone that claims to love me and someone whom I left a marriage to be with. Now we are trying to find a mediator to have a face to face conversation.

I haven’t slept in two days. Last night I was curled up in a ball with my favorite blade in my hand resting against my forearm. Somehow I didn’t cut. I broke down and started sobbing. I do that a lot these days. Crying is a fairly new concept for me. I’m not sure if I have lost the ability to regulate my emotions or if it is the hormones I am taking. There is definitely something different going on.

Tonight I had┬áto go to a meeting. At this meeting they passed a box around and everyone pulled a topic out of it. My topic was “loss of control”. Fuck I can’t remember the last time I had control of anything. In the last year I left a marriage, lost my job, became heavily addicted to several different prescription medications, lost my car, attempted suicide, and wound up homeless. As I was sharing this I started shaking and crying. It’s one thing to cry alone in the dark. It’s entirely different to break down and cry in a room full of people. I am mortified. I don’t know if I will be able to go to another meeting. This meeting has not been one of my favorites, but it is within walking distance of the place I am staying. There are four other meetings within walking distance but many of the people that were there tonight also attend the other nearby meetings. I don’t know if I can face them again.

I am sitting here, tears running down my cheeks with my box-cutter open and sitting next to me. I want it all to end. I don’t want to feel pain anymore. I don’t want to keep going to therapy four days a week. I don’t want to be on psycotropic medications anymore. I just want it to be over.

 

Goodbye to you, my trusted friend
We’ve known each other since we were nine or ten
Together we climbed hills and trees
Learned of love and A B C’s
Skinned our hearts and skinned our knees

Goodbye, my friend, it’s hard to die
When all the birds are singing in the sky
Now that the spring is in the air
Pretty girls are everywhere
Think of me and I’ll be there

We had joy, we had fun
We had seasons in the sun
But the hills that we climbed were just seasons
Out of time

Goodbye Papa, please pray for me
I was the black sheep of the family
You tried to teach me right from wrong
Too much wine and too much song
Wonder how I got along

Goodbye Papa, its hard to die
When all the birds are singing in the sky
Now that the spring is in the air
Little children everywhere
When you see them I’ll be there

We had joy, we had fun
We had seasons in the sun
But the wine and the song like the seasons
Have all gone

We had joy, we had fun
We had seasons in the sun
But the wine and the song like the seasons
Have all gone

Goodbye Michelle, my little one
You gave me love and helped me find the sun
And every time that I was down
You would always come around
And get my feet back on the ground

Goodbye Michelle it’s hard to die
When all the birds are singing in the sky
Now that the spring is in the air
With the flowers everywhere
I wish that we could both be there

We had joy, we had fun
We had seasons in the sun
But the stars we could reach
Were just starfish on the beach

We had joy, we had fun
We had seasons in the sun
But the stars we could reach
Were just starfish on the beach

We had joy we had fun
We had seasons in the sun
But the wine and the song like the seasons
Have all gone

All our lives we had fun
We had seasons in the sun
But the hills that we climbed were just seasons
Out of time

We had joy, we had fun
We had seasons in the sun

 

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