The Thunder

The thunder is pounding away in my brain…

Have a drink. Have a cigarette. Hit the pipe. Pop a pill. Cut yourself.

Curled up on a chair in the back yard of the house I am staying in, rocking forward and back waiting for the urges to pass. The voices starting as a whisper, gradually becoming a roar…

It will be ok, it will only be just this one time. Go ahead, pour yourself a drink. You can handle it. Do it. Everyone else can do it and be ok, so can you. Come on, it’s been over two months, you deserve it.

I want it to stop. How do I make it stop? Please make it stop,

I don’t want to relapse. I really, really don’t.

Just one

No

Come on, just one.

No!

I have never felt like this. My body is tense, I can feel my skin crawling. I have to do something.

You will feel better in just a moment.

I can’t take it anymore. I have to do something. I reach out, I pick it up. My breathing unsteady, hands shaking. I inhale sharply and close my eyes. I do it.

I call a friend and ask for help.

 

IOP Day 13

I spent my 13th day in IOP today. I have not improved at all and in some areas my condition has deteriorated. Because of this my Case Manager doesn’t want me alone all of the time, the current plan is to have me stay for the week and graduate of Friday. Because I am on Day 13 of what is typically an 8 day program, I am starting to see material repeat. Maybe it will work the second time around?

4. We made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves

The inventory continues…

I had to meet with most recent spouse (the spouse is not to be confused with my ex-boyfriend whom I have written extensively about) today to sign some paperwork removing me from the lease on the apartment we once shared. It was only the second time I had seen her since last November. We talked for a bit and she shared some of the things I have done that hurt her. I am just now starting to get a little sliver of a picture of how my mental illness has effected other people. It isn’t pretty. She told me that every day she feared that I would kill her, myself, or both of us. That was difficult to hear to say the least.

More things to add to the list.