I am in so much physical pain right now. It even hurts to put a blanket over me. I hate my body. I took some prescription strength ibuprofen and that didn’t even touch it. I am an addict and can’t take anything stronger. I want it to stop. I want both the physical and emotional pain to stop. I want out.
Today is the worst day I have had in a very long time and it isn’t even 3:00pm yet. I woke up this morning in unbearable physical pain. I showered, got dressed and went out to wait for the bus… and it was fucking snowing. This California girl that’s stuck in Upstate New York can’t handle snow in April, this seriously had darkened my mood. The bus arrived and I got on and I my phone chirped with a reminder that tomorrow is my ex-boyfriend’s birthday. That just completely ruined my day. The pain, the abuse, the hurt, the broken heart came flooding back. I’m filled with a mixture of anger, hatred, sorrow and longing. I hate him for completely destroying my life, yet in some ways I miss him and want him back. I miss his little girl, a girl who called me mom. I miss California. I miss my life before drug abuse and mental illness ripped through me like a hurricane.
Needing a break from the fucked up shit that goes on my head I swallowed 10 Trazadone tablets (I normally take 4) last night to see what would happen. I was hoping that I could sleep through the entire day. No such luck, I had difficulty getting to sleep and staying asleep and was awake before 8:00am, alert and not even the least bit nauseous. The thoughts still linger, making me want to drink, to use, to do something to make them stop. Just for a little while I want to feel like a normal person.
I haven’t been in therapy since July of last year. I have finally gotten off my lazy ass and have started looking for a therapist. I’ve called 4 practices so far and had to leave messages at all of them. Mental health care is so limited around here it is sad. I’m holding on by a thread, ready to fall at any moment. The new meds are helping somewhat, I haven’t heard any voices in 16 days, and my depression has shifted. I was looking at suicide as the only option, now it appears to be the logical choice. Before I had a twinge of guilt for feeling suicidal, like I was ignoring some responsibility. Now that I have made arrangements to take care of some of my obligations, it feels more right.
I am approaching two weeks without any voices. It sounds really weird to say, but I kind of miss them. The were such a part of my life for so long that it almost feels like I have lost a part of me. I know at times they can be so overwhelming that I will consider anything to make them stop, but it just feels so weird that they are gone. We didn’t even have a chance to say goodbye.
I started taking Seroquel XR (eXtended Release as a replacement for the same dose of the quick release type) twelve days ago and began taking Brintellix (a new drug intended to treat Major Depressive Disorder) four days ago.
The medication is absolutely kicking my ass.
I’m walking around feeling like a zombie. I work in a call center and fell asleep at my desk on Saturday and was awoken by an incoming call. The following day I tried to plan my caffeine consumption to get me through the day at work. I ended up drinking ten cups of coffee during my shift. I stayed awake but had to pee every forty minutes, which killed my productivity. Yesterday I reduced the coffee to six cups to reduce the number of bathroom trips. It was very slow so I was allowed to leave three hours early. It was a beautiful day the first one over 70 degrees this year and I had hoped to enjoy the beautiful weather. But when I got home around 6:00pm, I laid down on the sofa and slept for 13 hours. Didn’t eat dinner, didn’t take my evening meds, just slept like a rock.
On the plus side I have not heard any voices in eight days now, and the suicidal thoughts have reduced significantly. I have only self harmed once in the last two weeks, a huge improvement over my almost daily cutting. But is it worth it? Is being stable worth feeling like a zombie all the time?
Today was a good day.
It feels almost foreign to feel good. About a week and a half ago my psychiatrist switched me from a quick release to a extended release form of Seroquel. Yesterday I began taking Brintellix and reduced my dose of Wellbutrin from 450mg to 150mg. Today is also the first warm sunny day we have had since October. I feel like a different person. I haven’t heard any voices in a week, today I was smiling, laughing, making jokes, and enjoying the day. My past history indicates this likely won’t last, so I am enjoying it while I can.
Today was a good day.