Back Online

I’m back. I’ve been away for about a week because the power supply for my laptop went bad, and it took a week for the new one to arrive.  I have been reading the posts of the people I follow, but my hands are too damn shaky to post anything using my phone.

I might be improving slightly. A few weeks ago I had an appointment to address my chronic pain. One of the things they discovered is that I had a severe Vitamin D deficiency and prescribed a massive dosage to get me back to where I should be. The voices have stayed away for the most part, there was one day that they were pretty bad, and I didn’t react well at all. But I am still here and only slightly scarred.

The biggest thing on my mind right now is my upcoming surgery. A few months ago I accidentally tore an ear piercing and didn’t care for it properly. As the wound healed, it healed around the earring back. I have an appointment with a plastic surgeon scheduled next week. I can’t imagine it being all that painful, but I am terrified that they will prescribe pain killers. I’m not sure I could resist the temptation.

Statements You Don’t Want to Hear From Your Doctor

“What the fffff… I… but… I don’t under… how… how in the hell did this happen? ”

– Dr M

A while back, maybe two or three months ago, I was getting dressed one day and my shirt snagged on one of my earrings. I got the material out of the earring and never gave it another thought until it started hurting this week. Last night I tried to take the earring out, but for some reason the back was stuck. I already had an appointment scheduled with my doctor today, so I mentioned it while I was there. She put on a pair of exam gloves, begins examining my ear and says “What the fffff… I… but… I don’t under… how… how in the hell did this happen? ” Apparently, when I snagged the earring, the piercing tore slightly. As the tear healed, it healed around the earring back. It healed up so well that my doctor wasn’t able to dislodge it, so now I need to have it surgically removed.

Yay me.

The Needle And The Damage Done

I’ve seen the needle

and the damage done

A little part of it in everyone

But every junkie’s like a settin’ sun.

My name is Allison and I am an addict.

Today I celebrate one year of freedom from drugs and alcohol. I am in a very different place now than I was then, both figuratively and literally. That first night I laid there restrained to a bed in the Emergency Department of Kaiser Hospital in Roseville, CA after a suicide attempt earlier in the day. I was moved a to a psychiatric hospital then a half-way house before I was released twelve days later under the condition that I begin attending 12 Step meetings. Thus began my path to recovery. It has not been easy by any means, I have spent many nights wishing for just one drink, or just one pill. But somehow I am here, I am alive and I am clean.

The last year has been the most difficult of my life, dealing the early stages of my transition, with unemployment, homelessness, and a move clear across the country in the early days of my recovery. I spent six months bouncing around between friends houses, motels, and the streets before I found a job, and eventually an apartment of my own. I am not cured,  I can never drink or use any of the many other substances that I used to use to escape reality even again.The temptation has never gone away, what has changed is my reaction to that temptation. Recovery isn’t easy, all I can do is try my hardest to stay clean.

Just For Today.

Suicide Attempt – One Year Later

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One year ago tonight, May 16, 2014 I attempted suicide by overdose and hanging. I started taking one Norco tablet every hour on the hour starting at 9:00pm and one Xanax on the half hour starting at 10:30 pm. By 2:00am I had snorted 2 and swallowed 6 Norco and topped it with 4 Xanex. By 2:00am I was good and numb. I wrapped a belt around my neck, tied the other end to a window frame and laid down to drift away. At some point my partner interrupted me and stopped me before I did any severe harm to myself. When daylight hit, he threw me out into the streets to fend for myself. I wandered for hours before finding myself at a hospital emergency room. From there I was placed on a 72 hour hold in a psychiatric hospital.

I am having a much harder time coping with this than I had expected. On top of this I lost one of my idols this weekend, Mr. BB King, and haven’t been compliant with my meds. I’m hurting.

Dopesick Princess

I have run out of some of my meds this week and am having a hell of a time coping. I ran out of Brintellix, Wellbutrin, and Trazodone. I feel awful, I’m nauseous, I have chills, I have tremors, I’m sweating. I’ve thrown up 8 or 9 times today and spent my entire shift at work with a trash can between my legs. I read that stopping one of these meds suddenly can be unpleasant, stopping all three is like getting hit by a fucking train. The only thing I can compare this too is when I quit using heroin.

Yes, it’s that bad.

Cold Turkey

Due to tight finances and overall poor planning on my part, I am running out of several medications this week. I took my last Brintellix tablet the day before yesterday, I have enough Wellbutrin for today and tomorrow, and I have enough Trazadone for tonight. I don’t get paid for another 8 days. Ladies and gentlemen please fasten your seat-belts, we are about to enter a pocket of severe turbulence.

Hollywood vs. Real Life

I just finished watching “This Is Where I Leave You” staring Jason Bateman and Tina Fey. The movie is a comedy/drama about a dysfunctional family gathering together to mourn the death of their patriarch. While the family is together, relationships bloom, relationships fall apart, there are fights,lifelong  resentments are uncovered, ugly truths are revealed for all to see. As I sat watching the movie I began to cry. All I could think was…

“I wish my family was this stable and happy”

I gave up on the idea of a “Leave It to Beaver” or “Brady Bunch” type of family when I was a young child. Now in my late 40s, I long for a family where the worst things that happen are a spouse becomes pregnant and doesn’t know who the father is, or a sibling sleeps with their therapist. I wish my life and my family were that stable.