I’ve been trying to get my mental and physical health under control for what seems like years now, and feel I haven’t  gotten anywhere; and in many ways my health has worsened. After trying several medications meant to manage depression with little to no success, a couple of weeks ago my doctor prescribed a new mediation called Brintellix that sounded promising. It works differently than other drugs in the SSRI class because it replicates or simulates production of Serotonin (if I understood her explanation correctly). For the last two weeks my doctor has been fighting with my insurance company to get it approved because it is a name brand drug that has no generic equivilent. Today I got an eight page letter from my insurance company explaining all the reasons they were denying my claim. They state that I have not tried enough other medications that are available in generic form. They listed fourteen different medications that I would have to try for a minimum of sixty days each before they would revisit my claim for Brintellix.

Fourteen different medications. So if I am still alive and not institutionalized they might reconsider their decision in July 2017. I have hundreds of cuts on my arms. I’ve called the National Suicide Prevention Hotline (1-800-273-8255)  six times in the last two weeks. But it’s I had to beg my doctor to not put me on a 72 hour hold last week. She agreed not to have me held under the condition I see her every Tuesday and call her every Friday until I am able to see a psychiatrist. My insurance company doesn’t seem to think that it is urgent or even relevant. I’m not one hundred percent certain, but I’m pretty sure that this medication would cost them less than a long term hospitalization in a psychiatric facility would.

But not all is bad. My doctor is trying to do something about the physical pain. I have been experiencing random shots of intense pain all over my body for the last three or four years. The last three doctors I brought it up with blew me off as drug seeking (not an entirely irrational conclusion) and did nothing about it. When I went to my doctor this Tuesday for my weekly follow up, I had a shot of pain that doubled me over in her office. She took notice, asked questions, reviewed my symptoms, and offered an opinion. She thinks that there is a possibility that I may have fibromyalgia. She referred me to a rheumatologist for further evaluation before adding anything else to the ten different medications I take on a daily basis.


Saturday and time for work. I hate working Saturdays, it’s non stop calls all day long and the majority of callers are rude and/or unreasonable. My anxiety level is so high I feel like I am going to vomit an I haven’t even left home yet. I just hope it is better than last Saturday… last week was so bad that I came home and curled up on the sofa wrapped in a blanket in the dark for almost two full days.


My insurance company has denied my prescription for Brintellix. Even if they do eventually approve it upon appeal, I won’t be able to afford it. I checked online and my out of pocket is $86 for a 30 day supply. Apparently my insurance would rather pay my emergency room bills when I do attempt suicide or pay for my impatient pyschriatric hospitalization if I survive. I fucking hate insurance companies. 

A Change in Medication

I went to the doctor today as I have been every two weeks for a followup on my depression. In an uncharacteristic move I was totally honest with her…  I told her about how bad the last couple of weeks have been. Even though I have an appointment scheduled with a psychiatrist in a couple of weeks my doctor decided to try changing my medications. Her reasoning is that I shouldn’t have to deal with paralyzing depression for another two weeks and there is the possibility that my appointment with the psychiatrist may get cancelled or delayed for some reason.  She prescribed Brintellix and asked that I reduce my Wellbutrin from 450mg to 150mg per day. I’m still waiting for my insurance to approve the medication, hopefully I will be able to pick it up tomorrow. I’m willing to try anything at this point. Hopefully this works.

Baby Steps

I’m going through a very rough patch recently. Yesterday I spent the entire day in the dark wrapped in a blanket clutching a bottle of Seroquel tablets trying to find the nerve to swallow the entire bottle. At some point I posted something on Facebook that caught the attention of a couple of old friends who reached out to me to see if I was ok. They convinced me to call the Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-8522. I spoke with them for about half an hour, the lady I spoke with was trying to convince me to go to the Emergency Room. I didn’t go to the ER but she did get me to calm down just enough to convince me to put the pills away and try to get some sleep.

I woke up this morning feeling slightly better. I have around twenty fresh cuts on my arm but the pills are still in the cabinet. I turned on the lights and made myself some coffee. I forced myself to get dressed. I haven’t eaten anything in a couple of days, I really should go to the grocery store to get something to eat, but I don’t know if I can. Baby steps.

Ten things not to say to a suicidal person


I have wanted to say many of these things but could never get the words to come out.

Originally posted on purplepersuasion:

In July 2011 I wrote a post entitled, “Ten things not to say to a depressed person.” It was the first piece on this blog to attract a large audience and I own much of my blogging success to that post and its companion piece, “Ten supportive things I’m glad somebody said to me.”

I’ve decided the time is right for a similar piece on dealing with suicidal people (although I’m definitely not expecting the same number of readers for this post!). Suicidal thoughts have been a problem for me since around Christmas and the wide variety of responses I’ve received to my blogs and tweets, along with training to be a Mental Health Instructor, have given me cause to think about how people respond to individuals they know to be suicidal. A common response is feeling that they must throw some logic at the problem. What people don’t…

View original 1,724 more words

The Liebster Award

I would like to thank Moze Pray for nominating me for the Liebster Award. I would like to thank her for the nomination, but my brain is far  too jumbled to pay it forward properly (as per the rules) so I must respectfully decline the nomination. As a bit of a compromise I have answered the questions she proposed in the nomination form.

1. What would you like to accomplish with your blog?

When I started this blog I really had no set goals, but now I think if I help just one person I will have accomplished more than I could ever hope for.

2. How often do you post to your blog?

My posts tend to be sporadic depending on my moods and free time. I will sometimes post as much as tow or three times in one day at others I may go two weeks between posts.

3. Do you still read the newspaper?

The printed newspaper? No, unless I happen to see a copy lying around. I do however read the websites of newspapers from every city I have ever lived in every morning.

4. What’s your stance on fighting stigma regarding mental illness?

I try to fight the stigma every day. I have struggled with mental illness my entire life, and I really just want to be accepted.

5. What is one place you would like to travel to in the world?

The United Kingdom, the birthplace of all four of my grandparents.

6. Name something odd about yourself that you do.

I use equal parts milk and hot sauce when I make Kraft Macaroni & Cheese

7. Do you like photography?

I do , and I wish I had the eye and the talent to capture the beauty around me.

8. Do you have any pets?

I don’t although I do love animals. I have a hard enough time taking care of myself, I don’t think it would be responsible of me to care for another living thing.

9. Mac or Windows?

Mac. I deal with Windows at work because I have to, but I would never buy any Windows product for myself.

10. Why did you start a blog?

I started this blog so I could journal about my out of control emotions. I’m deeply flattered that people follow me and read what I write.