I think I have made a huge mistake. I have been in Upstate New York for eight days now and I am miserable. I feel completely disconnected from the world, the weather is awful, and the people are way too anxious for me to tolerate. I was happier living on the streets in California.
The level of anxiety in people around here is astounding. I say this as a person that is on three different psychotropic drugs every day. The friend that I am staying with warned me six or seven times before I arrived about the “massive construction” on the interstate. There were fifteen traffic cones. I asked my friend for a ride to a meeting the other night. She went into a near panic when I told her where it was. She signed deeply and exclaimed in an irritated tone “that’s almost thirty minutes away”. After living in California for 16 years I have learned to allow at least an hour to get anywhere. Nearly “thirty minutes away” is nothing. Another example of her anxiety is shown in her dining preferences. I mentioned that it would be nice to eat at a certain restaurant and she said she didn’t go there because there usually is almost a twenty minute wait for a table. Twenty minutes?! Oh the humanity.
Another thing I am having trouble with dealing with is how structured she needs things to be. Don’t get me wrong, I do need quite a bit of structure in my life to feel balanced, but she takes it to an extreme that I have not seen since I left here sixteen years ago. Lunch is always at 12:00 noon sharp. Dinner is always at 5:00pm sharp. There is no spontaneity and no room for deviation whatsoever. I feel like I am institutionalized again.
Speaking of institutions, another thing I am finding deeply distressing is the lack of interaction with the outside world. She does not have internet and does not want it. The closest wifi hotspot I have found is over four miles away, so it’s not something I can walk to. I am used to spending 4-5 hours a day on line. Now I get two hours every three days. There is only one TV in the house and she and her son have watched nothing but stupid reality contest shows and Dr Who. I fucking hate sci-fi and it has been a nonstop two and a half days of Dr. Who. I’m ready to stick a gun in my mouth. That not being an option, I lock myself in my room and try to find new areas of my body to cut that give me the stress relief I need, yet are not noticeable to the causal observer.
Lastly, the weather has been miserable. We have had thunderstorms every day and it is bleak, grey and cold. I find the temperatures to be unpleasantly cool, my friend and her son are bitching about how hot it is. If I am this miserable with the weather now, I know that winter is going to put me in a catatonic state. I am not, and never will be prepared to deal with snow and ice again.
I have made a huge mistake by coming back here. In less than a week all the reasons that prompted me to leave here are front and center. This is a cold, grey, bleak and depressing part of the country. The people are anxious and bitter. It has been this way my entire life, and apparently will never change. I wish I would have had the nerve to go through with swallowing the two bottles of Seroquel like I had planned a couple of weeks ago. Death is much more attractive of a proposition than living here like this is.