I can’t believe it…
After being out of work for 391 days and applying for nearly 400 jobs, I was offered and accepted a full time job yesterday. I will be working as a customer service representative for the local Cable TV provider. The pay is not great, but decent. The benefits include health insurance, 401k, and free cable an internet service. If I pass the background check and drug screen I will start work on November 17, which happens to be my 46th birthday, and my six month clean and sober date.
Of course nothing in my life can go smoothly, for every good thing that happens something bad immediately follows. Two hours after I accepted the position I was told that I need to leave the place I am staying by November 9. This is a hard deadline and is not negotiable.
For my own well being I need to be out of that house as soon as possible. So close to self sustenance, but so far. I will have the resources to support myself and live on my own soon, but not soon enough to meet this deadline. I figure that I should be able to afford an apartment 4-6 weeks after starting the job. That leaves me with no place to go for about 8 weeks. I can’t live on the streets here like I did in California, it is too damn cold.
The panic begins.
I never saw it coming.
She seemed so happy.
I never would have guessed she was this depressed.
She had so much to live for.
These are many of the things people say when someone they knew takes their own life. Often a person who commits suicide gives dire and frequent warnings. They could be screaming for help, and for some reason others don’t see it. If they do see it, they fail to intervene. This could be for many reasons, they are unsure, they don’t know how, they don’t believe that someone could be that desperate, or simply don’t care enough to intervene.
I have screamed, begged, and pleaded for help and have received none. When the day comes that I depart this world by my own hand, and the people I know in real life say the things listed above, please direct them to my Facebook page or this blog. I’ve been drowning while everyone in my life is too self absorbed or clueless they didn’t throw me a rope when I needed it.
I am still alive it the physical sense, but I am dead inside. Researching suicide methods again.
I feel so alone, isolated from the world. Only having access to the internet for a couple hours a day three days a week is really getting to me. I was more connected to the world when I was living on the streets. I am so lonely, my depression is getting deeper every day.
I managed to make it 8 days without cutting. Then I relapsed and relapsed hard. I cut myself 60 times, 30 on each arm. I hate being stranded here without access to a therapist or psychiatrist. I just completed my health care application and my coverage will begin on November 1st. Fortunately I have enough medications to cover me until then. I have no idea what kind of hoops I am going to need to jump through. The psychotropic meds shouldn’t be a problem, but I have a feeling that it is going to be difficult to get my hormones, which would be disastrous. People aren’t as open minded here as they are in California.
Magic 8 Ball should I kill myself today?
I have gone six days without picking up the blade. This is the longest I have been able to go in a couple of months. As the scabs from my most recent cuts fade away I am able to see just how much damage I have done to myself in the last couple of months. I stopped counting at 100 scars, but there are far more than that.
I am curious to see how permanent the scars will be. I have some that are more than 30 years old that are quite visible.