Anyone who knows me knows that I hate asking for help. A mixture of pride, stubbornness, and an alarmingly frequent inability to recognize when when I am in over my head often makes it difficult for me to ask for, or even admit to myself, that I need help. I am told that I need to speak out more when trouble strikes. So here goes…
I am drowning.
A mixture of depression and anxiety has made it impossible for me to work. I have not worked for over a month now, and subsequently have had no income. I applied for short term disability and have been told I am approved, but have yet to receive a payment. I applied for food stamps, was told I was approved for those as well, but again I have not received anything. The wheels are in motion, but the wait has been excruciating. 
Let me be clear… I am not asking for financial assistance. I am asking for your friendship and support. I am asking for a kind word and a good thought. I am terribly frightened of being alone and being isolated. I am asking you to keep me in you life even if it seems as if I am pulling away from you at the moment. I need to stay in contact with friends and family both near and far. It is far too easy to drift apart at times like this. I value everyone in my life and I hope you value me as well. I really don’t know where I am going with this, but I hope that the underlying meaning is coming through, even if the words are not my clearest.

Waiting and Worrying

I haven’t worked in over a month now. Because I haven’t worked I have had no income. I’m told I have been approved for disability, yet I have not seen a payment. They now tell me that I will get it later in the week. I currently have $7 to my name and virtually no food. This is not helping my depression and anxiety at all. I fear that if something doesn’t change very soon I will have to turn to sex work again just to avoid being homeless.

The Waiting Is The Hardest Part

My depression and anxiety have gotten to the point where I am unable to work. Tomorrow marks three weeks since I last worked, and today I received my paycheck for the last couple of days that I did work. I have applied for disability and food stamps and am trying to figure out how to apply for assistance with housing. I am so confused by the entire process, and I don’t know where to turn for help. I am so scared that I will wind up homeless again. I don’t know what to do. I sit and wait for the oncoming train.

Adrift at Sea

I feel lost. Today marks two weeks since I went out on disability. The stress and anxiety of the job finally caught up to me, and I couldn’t even think of going into that building without getting physically ill. I still haven’t been able to see my doctor, I still haven’t seen my psychiatrist. My disability paperwork hangs in limbo until I can see one of them and get the paperwork submitted.  I sit at home all day, screwing around online and taking long naps. While my anxiety has diminished somewhat, I still can’t function like an adult. I sit here on the 19th of the month wondering how I am going to pay my rent and phone bill on the first of the month. I wonder how I am gong to eat if I ever regain my appetite. I wonder if I will ever be well enough to fully support myself and be reasonably stable while doing it. I’ve started smoking again, I’ve started cutting again. I can’t cope. The thought of suicide lingers in the background. I feel hopeless, and I don’t know what to do about it.

Disability Paperwork

I have started the process of applying for disability. As can be expected there is a lot of paperwork that needs to be filled out. Some of the paperwork for the doctors is kind of shocking.

Disability checkbox.001

A simple Yes/No checkbox to report if I am experiencing Suicidal or Homicidal Ideation. Somehow that just doesn’t seem right. It almost feels like that these are everyday things that can be marked off a checklist like “Has patient had a flu shot?”